My oldest has just returned from his first ever overnight trip without relatives along.  He and his entire 5th grade spend 4 days in the woods, camping.  The siblings missed him, the parents missed him, the extended family has inquired about his return.

His first words to me upon seeing me were ones I will hold dear forever:

“Where’ve you been?!”

Oh adolescence, I have so long awaited your arrival!

My son approached me the other day. He said, “I don’t know how to break this to you.”

I said, “Just spit it out.”

He said, “I’m going to move.”

At first I thought he was going to move over or backwards or to the left, but it turns out he had seen how to pack one of those ‘blanket-on-a-stick’ pieces of luggage and planned to head out to the open road. You see, I wasn’t letting him play enough and he’d had it. Not in an angry way though – more in a ‘this is the only course of action open to me’ kind of way.

We had a chat about the realities of the road and I told him that he would be missed. Then I told the story of getting the door locked behind me and said it was good he had come to me first so that I would know and not lock the door.

Either I convinced him to stay or I convinced him he needed a better plan because it’s been a week and he’s still here. Happy Day!

I just played dress up with my kids. I had some left over makeup from a project I was working on a few months ago. That coupled with a desire to have some fun resulted in a face that brought gasps from one child, giggles from others and still another who looked upon me with derision.

I drew tear drops in eyeliner and allowed my youngest to give me black freckles on my nose. The green eye shadow was so big it was worthy of Season 1 Denise Huxtable on the Cosby Show. Pictures were taken and with them a promising future in politics was destroyed. Alas…….

I’m sure you’re all affected by this, too because it’s going around. My family has a cold. And because colds, for some reason, get exponentially worse with each person who gets it, we have reached critical mass. In other words – tempers are flaring and despite my repeated admonishments not to, my children are crying thereby producing more snot and making themselves sicker. For the first time in 2 years, I kept someone home from school. But I taught him that it wasn’t a treat so he doesn’t get it in his head that he should get sick more often. You know what I did?

I made him rest in bed.

He may never forgive me.

My mom just got her hip replaced and my son made her a get well card. His approach is not one I would recommend for the general population – he insulted her. “You survived canser (sic), you suffered through wearing a wig, you can get through this!” He proceeded to write a poem in which she comes off as incompetent with electronics, as well. Fortunately that’s how she rolls and it really went over well.

My children don’t seem to think that I know much. When I told one that I needed to look something up in an almanac, she politely corrected me – “It’s said ‘in-ter-net’.” For another I mentioned that he was a connoisseur of meat. He said, “You mean, I’m a carnivore of meat.”

They’re getting to big for their britches (no I don’t mean b****es).

What am I thankful for, you ask? I am thankful for the fried turkey that graced our table yesterday. I am thankful for the tasty leftovers. I am thankful that the fire extinguisher was unnecessary.

I am most thankful for men who cook.

This year, I’m exchanging my membership to the local zoo for a membership to the local botanical garden.  They’re both outdoors, so the summer months are out for visiting, but during the other times of year, I can get more people in for free at the garden.  I’m looking forward to visiting the migratory butterflies in October and maybe picking out a pumpkin as well.

We’ve spent the last week traveling the wild west including a speed trip through Yellowstone.  I’ve never seen so much water in one place in all my life.  Nor have I suffered through so much sulfur smell in the name of viewing nature. But now I’ve seen things I’ve never seen before.  Unfortunately for you I’ve had no time to play games or watch movies.  I’ll have something for next time, though.

If you don’t have some form of insurance – for example term life insurance or group life insurance – you should consider looking into it. If you have family that you would leave behind, you may want to see what you can do about providing for them. Even if you are not employed, you make a financial contribution to the family by doing things that your spouse or kids can’t do.

Make sure that you don’t leave a burden for your family if something happens to you.

The cold in my neck of the woods is no match for that in the midwest and on the east coast – and also apparently for my fever which refuses to dip below 100. It’s just a way to heat the house at little or no cost to me. Also, my body is trying to gain recruits in this cost saving measure by forcing me to cough all over the place, lacing everything with germs and getting other people infected.

Oh what fun.

My son was asked at school to draw a picture of what he’ll look like when he’s 100 years old as a project for the 100th day of school. Being quite realistic, he drew himself dead. He’s got scraggly gray hair coming out of his skull and an eye ball sliding down the side of his face. For some reason, he has a brown beard and mustache. There’s also a scar (presumably he gets this later in life but before he dies).

I tried to take a picture and still hope to someday, but my camera ate my batteries and I’ve run out of AA and he had to turn it in so no official pic yet. But it kinda looked like this:

My daughter’s face has been dyed blue. She had a sucker and she’s quite a slobberer so now her lower jaw and many of her fingers are a bright shade of blue.

I had her wash it off and I thank the stars above that, being on vacation, she had no clothing on to droll all over but it has left a bit of a stain on her skin. Looking at her right now, I think I still shouldn’t have her on the couch or touching a bright white cloth decoration.

My daughter just got one of those karaoke machines for Christmas from Santa. We know it works but, it turns out, she’ll sing at church but not at home. She must be worried that she can’t be better than me.

Which means that she needs to learn the difference between on key and off key and that she’s the former and I’m the latter. I better teach her soon lest she decide to imitate me.

I have one child for whom a band aid is torture. She says that the band aids make her boo-boos feel worse. I know from experience that me saying I’m going to put a band aid on her cut makes her wail louder. Unfortunately, they’ve all said this at some point in time and I keep forgetting that she’s the one who doesn’t like them so I keep offering them to her. At which point in time she panics and the whole world unravels. Like just a minute ago.

Then she noticed that there are more ornaments than candy canes on the tree and now she’s fine.

Christmas saves the day again.

My 5 year old daughter doesn’t want to wear a coat to school.  I thought it was because they were boy coats but when I managed to find a girl coat for her, she still scoffed.  Turns out she doesn’t want to wear a coat because she doesn’t want to look fat.

Um, what?!

She’s 5 and she’s worried about looking fat.

I’m SOOO screwed.

We had a fun game day with the kids today. We played preschool games and grown up games and video games. We kept our energy up by eating a TON of candy. Most of our time was taken up by going to the store and buying and transporting that TON of candy home. The kids complained that I was asking too much of them. They said it wasn’t healthy to eat that much candy. But I said, if they loved me they would eat too much candy for me.

No, not really. But sometimes they do tell me that when I’m eating candy but won’t let them have any of it.

The pressure is on!  And I don’t even own a pressure cooker.  We’re doing the Thanksgiving thing this year and along with all the family comes the family drama.  For example:

This year I must contend with the ever confounding problem of how to arrange the tables to seat everyone.

Where will I get the seats for everyone to sit on?

Will there be enough forks?

Fortunately, I managed to solve the last one by buying a job lot of forks just the other day at a huge warehouse store that shall remain nameless.  If I manage to solve the other dramas I’ll let you know.

My son had a small painful spot on his chin the other day. He said he thought it was a booboo but I said it might be a zit. At first he was disappointed and moaned. But just as quickly as this moan started, it ended and turned into a yelp for joy! He threw his fists high into the air and declared, “This means I’m manning up!”

I guess this is a right of passage.